Am I really that hard to understand?

"Welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you today?"

"I'd like a medium caramel frappe please."

"Caramel latte?"

"No, frappe."

"Ok, one caramel frappe. Anything else today?"

"No thanks."

Turn to husband. "Am I really that hard to understand?"

(being polite I'm sure) "No babe, I'm sure it's the speakers."

*sigh*

This happens a lot. I'll say something I thought I was being clear about only to get asked to repeat what I said. I've gotten the wrong order more times than I care to count. Picking up my son's prescription is a pain sometimes. His last name sounds like a girl's name so I have to spell it for them often. I find myself reverting back to speech therapy and making sure I say S correctly.

I'm sure I do myself no favors when I start talking too fast.

Sometimes I stop and think about what I just said and realize I totally butchered the pronouncation of a word and mentally slap myself upside the head Gibbs-style. When I realize I can't say a simple word right, I feel stupid. College-educated and I can't pronounce words correctly. I always wonder what some of the men I had met via online before my husband thought of me when they meet me in person. I probably come across as articulate online when I type and man, oh man, I sound like a stupid person when I speak. Thankfully, my husband looked past that.

But I wonder how many of them thought "she talks weird." I wonder how many of my kids' classmates think I talk funny. I've gone on many field trips with my boys' classes. Almost every time, there was at least one that said "you talk funny." 7 year olds are brutally honest. And they turn into mean little 10 year olds. And this 34 year old still smarts when she hears "you talk funny." It still stings. It still takes me back to 5th grade when my classmates stopped being accepting and started to mock me. It still takes me back to an old boyfriend making fun of my speech. It still reminds me of the boy I used to have a crush on imitate me in a such a cruel way that I stopped trying to fit in at my school. And it hurts even more to realize that your own child didn't understand you.

Every now and then, I just want to scream at people and ask them "am I really that hard to understand?"

Coincidence? I think not

I work for a large home improvement store. My job isn't complicated. In fact, it's almost too easy. I've been wanting to move up ever since I started working there. I have a college education. I studied business management. I've worked in retail since I was 17. For a few months, I was working as a cashier. Again, easy, noncomplicated job. I wanted to be more, do more. It drove me nuts to stand around. But I kept trying to do what I do best: make other people happy.

I signed up to take part of their "management training" class once. I was then told it was full, that I'll be put on the top of the list for the next one. I moved back to my previous position and apparently lost my spot on that list as a result. No one told me I would lose my spot. When I found out that the first session had ended, I inquired about the next one only to find out it had already started and they booted me off the list because they assumed I wasn't interested anymore.

Yeah, thanks for asking me.

So I asked to be put in the next session.

Guess what.

That session started last week. No one told me. When I asked about it, I was told "oh, I'm sorry, your name wasn't on the list."

I'm not being told why I'm getting booted off these "lists." My supervisors know I want to move up, that I want a full time position. I've asked if I need to improve somewhere. The only answer I've gotten was "we're giving priority to those who we know can do the job" and that was after I asked about the first session. The second and third sessions, I was just told "oops, you're not on the list." I know that I am capable of being a manager, even if it's an assistant manager. I do not have proof but in the back of my mind, I just know they keep removing my name because of my hearing.

Why? Because those who are working on the floor must have a radio and an earpiece plus a phone. All of which are my weak spots. I can't wear an earpiece. I am reliant on one hearing aid because for some reason or other, I cannot find a hearing aid that will work in my left ear. All of my hearing comes from my right hearing aid. Without it, I'm living in a world of silence. Putting an earpiece in that ear in order to use the radio would mean cutting myself off from the guests. Management doesn't like that so I suspect that is what is preventing them from allowing me to move up at the company.

After realizing that I've been excluded from a third session of their "advancement prep" classes, I've made the decision not to give them any more effort. I'll show up. I'll do my job. I will make sure any guest I deal with leaves with what they want. But I will not ask about their prep classes again. I will not ask about a better position. And I will continue to look for a job that would be a better use of my skills.

A little introduction to kick this off

Hi, I'm Donna. I'm deaf. Or rather, hard of hearing. But my hearing loss is so severe, it's pretty much the same as being deaf. The term that's written on all of my audiology tests is "severe bilateral hearing loss." Without my hearing aid, I can only hearing certain sounds and they have to be at like rock concert volume. With my hearing aid, I can hear most normal sounds but anything high pitched or really faint (don't even try to whisper to me) but I couldn't tell you which direction they came from.

I've been deaf since birth. My parents figured it out by the time I was two and I got hearing aids at 3. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't gotten hearing aids. My parents raised me and my sister (she is also deaf) to be as normal as possible. For a short period, my mom encouraged sign language and we learned the basics. My sister and mom learned enough to be able to sign a song for a church performance. After that, the novelty of signing wore off and Mom only signed certain words to us. She put us in speech therapy and talked to us like we could hear her just fine. She never said "no signing" but it wasn't exactly encouraged or used much. Heck, my Dad only knows the signs for yes, no, and stop. I know a few basics but no where enough to carry on a conversation. I wish I had learned more as a kid. Trying to pick it up as an adult is harder.

It's weird. Growing up, I wasn't aware of a deaf community in my area. I think it's pretty limited actually. The closest school for the deaf is in Lansing. My sister and I were the only deaf kids in our district at the time. At first, the principal of the elementary school we attended fought us going, saying that they didn't have the resources to handle us. My parents won that fight. Looking back, I almost wish they would've found a different school to send us to. We were so different from everyone else that we both were teased merciless. My sister used to be outgoing. Somewhere after elementary school, she withdrew and has become something of a hermit. She's just now starting to socialize more and she's nearly 40. (I'm 34 btw) I was lucky to have two great friends growing up that made high school somewhat bearable. Because my parents tried to treat us as normally as possible, I went through a period where I refused to acknowledge that I was deaf, and any time I was reminded, I hated myself.

Growing up, I always felt like I was part of the wrong community, out of place, almost like a transplanted foreigner. I used to get asked if I was from the South because of my "accent." Younger kids would tell me I talked "funny." People would get so impatient with me when I had a hard time understanding them (hey, that big ol' mustache doesn't help!). I feel stuck career-wise right now, like I should be doing more but can't because I can't seem to find an employer who would look past my hearing loss and give me a chance. It's like I don't belong in the hearing world but I know I would have a hard time in the deaf community as well because I was raised to be "hearing" not deaf.

At 34, it's a struggle. I don't want special treatment but yet I want people to understand that I can't always hear them. I want to be able to communicate with another deaf person (other than my sister) but yet I can't because I don't know sign language well enough. Watching the ABC Family series "Switched at Birth" has made me think and wonder and wish about my deafness than I ever did before. As a teenager, my one wish was to have normal hearing. As an adult, I'm torn. I still want normal hearing more so that I can hear and understand my own children (who have normal hearing) better but yet, I wish I had embraced the deaf culture more.