Denying who I am

Know how in every teenager's life, there's a phase where they try to be everything they aren't? Where all they want is to fit in with everyone else at school? I went through that like everyone else. Sometimes, I think I went through that phase more than once. I'd have a year or two where I tried to be normal, tried to hide or deny my hearing loss or even said it wasn't as severe as it really is. Then I'd have a year or so where I'd think "Fuck 'em. My hearing aids aren't going away. They're a part of me. If they have a problem with me being deaf, then fuck 'em."

I wish I had embraced that attitude sooner and stuck with it.

Oh well.

When I didn't want to accept my hearing loss, I'd hide my hearing aids from everyone's view, making sure I always wore my hair down and that they covered my ears. No matter how hot it got, I wouldn't pull my hair back. Made for some really bad hair days. If I met someone new, I wouldn't tell them I was deaf. If they commented on my "accent," I'd tell them I grew up in the South. Talk about denial!

Of course, there was no denying it sometimes. My hearing aid battery would start to die and I'd struggle with understanding someone before I finally caved and changed the battery. Or someone would talk to me with their back turned to me, forcing me to ask them to turn around, to tell them I need to see their lips.

*sigh*

Denying my deafness only worked in spurts. The rest of the time, I just didn't want to be known as that deaf girl. I quit speech therapy in middle school. Instead of sitting in the front of the classroom, I sought out the seat towards the back. I told my Mom not to come to the school and lecture my classmates or teachers about my deafness and hearing aids. I was already the outcast. I didn't need Mommy to add to that. I got rude towards people, figuring it'd be better to be known as a bitch than the "deaf girl." Teachers told my parents I had an attitude problem at times.

Whenever I'd give up on denying my deafness, I'd just go about life, keeping to myself, not really talking to people and actively ignoring most people. Sometimes, ignoring my classmates only caused them to mock and taunt me. I'd pull my hair back, not really caring if that cute guy in history noticed my hearing aids. I knew that I didn't have a chance with him so why try to hide them?

Looking back, I think, damn, I was a moody teenager! It's only now, in my 30's, do I feel comfortable in my skin and hearing aid. I figure if someone didn't want to give me a chance because of my hearing loss, then that's their problem, not mine. Sadly, when someone doesn't give me a chance at work, it means I continue to be underemployed and feeling worthless because if I were to bring in a full time paycheck, my husband and I would be able to do the remodeling projects we want to do around the house.

Even today, I still resent my hearing aids despite accepting the fact that they are a part of me and who I am.